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There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
(Original author unknown.)
12. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
11. Always get the last word in: Apologize.
10. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
5. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
4. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
3. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
2. How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists —- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
“Leap Day” deserves a bit of humor… okay, it isn’t new, but it is funny.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”
Ok, so I'm not going to be back in Blogger Idol this week. Oh well.
Here's a joke instead:
A woman was on a cross country trip. After days and days of traveling by car without talking to anyone, she noticed a hitchhiker on the side of the road. The hitchiker didn't know very much English and was very quiet, but kept eyeing a large bag the woman had in between the seats.
Finally, the woman said “That bag has a bottle of wine in it, I got it for my husband.” The hitchhiker was silent for a long time, but finally replied, “good trade.”
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river. “With even greater emphasis he said, ” And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River.”
This is a blog post about $X. When I heard about $X, I thought $Y and $Z. According to $A, “$X is the best thing since sliced $B!” The Associated Press also talked about $X and declared it the “Best of the Best” for the $foobar industry! This is so exciting! You really should read more about $X. I bet you'll think $Y and $Z too. Or maybe not, but then you may at least think $C and $D. Whatever the case, let me know what you think about $X in the comments below. If you think $E or $F, please explain why, as well.
Thought for the Day: There are two types of people. Those that think there are two types of people and those that don't.
From the ol' mailbox:A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series
of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued…and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Only in America, eh?
I wasn't able to find a quick confirmation on whether this was true. It sounds about right though.
So there were these two boys — a Catholic and a Protestant. The two decide they wanted to learn more about the differences in their respective branches of Christianity, so they decided to attend each other's churches.
The first week, the Protestant boy went with the Catholic boy to mass. The Catholic boy explained the meaning of the various things the priest was doing, why they knelt, and so forth. The next week, the Catholic boy went with the Protestant boy to the Protestant church. The Protestant boy explained the meanings of various things the pastor was doing, and so forth. Then, right before the start of the sermon, the pastor took off his watch and placed it on the pulpit right in front of his notes so that he could see it very clearly.
The Catholic boy looked at the Protestant boy and said “What's that mean?”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone giving dogs such stupid names?”
“Hellooooo,” answered the blonde, “they're watch dogs!”
